(see Genesis 16)
A decade is a long time to wait for someone to make good on their promise, even if you have something to keep you busy.
A few weeks. No problem. We still have the sound of the words in our mind. You can hear the inflection in his voice. The hope of the promise is still fresh.
The first anniversary passes. We begin to recite the promise to ourselves, like it is his voice. It isn't the same, but it is enough to keep waiting.
Two years, then three years. We are still looking forward to the promise being fulfilled, but wonder if we heard him wrong. "Maybe I misunderstood." "Maybe I heard him wrong." But, even still our will keeps us strong in order to keep waiting. This fulfilled promises seemed worth it at the time and we hold on to it, but we quietly wonder "Why is he taking so long?"
As each day passes with the promise unfulfilled, our hope tank empties. Small amounts at a time. Often unnoticeable. At one time we knew he would do something only he could do, but now that is starting to seem to be some vague dream from the past- a past that is almost unrecognizable to us now. We say to ourselves (and only to ourselves) "I was naive then. I have grown up now and realize that if it is going to happen, I have to make it happen."
He is not coming through, we tell ourselves. So we act. No more waiting. Our life is in our hands now. No, its not with the joy that we once carried, but now we are wiser; more realistic. What we once believed could happen- that what He said he will actually do- we know now to be a child's ignorant fantasy. We are on our own. That's what everyone around us told us anyway. We are the last ones to see what is really true.
And despair seems to be "normal." But even though despair seems normal, we know we were made for more life than that. We acted and we failed. Its not what we had hoped for at all.
There is a mystery in why there is often a time gap between what our God has promised and when he fulfills it. There is a painful struggle and an emptying of ourselves in the meantime. Doubt, fear, and often anger replace our hopefulness and rest.
There is a spark of confidence in him that will not die though everything tries to quench it. "How long, O Lord?!" we quietly cry. And wait some more.
But here is where a God-given faith is born. Its not because we want it to be, but because He wills it to be. The questions of why He waits are still unanswered, but what seems to change is our point of view. We have longed for what he would give. We have waiting for it so long. But the entire time He was with us. Often quiet, but present. Something in the process of waiting he is teaching our hearts not to wait on what he can give, but to wait for the gift of himself.
He is willing to let us doubt his goodness for a time so that we might recognize and embrace his presence. And, somewhere in the process of knowing his companionship, we understand his goodness too.